Love Without Words
For anyone unfamiliar with love languages, there are five of them. It’s also possible for it to change based on whether one is thinking about platonic or romantic love.
- Words of affirmation — this person feels love with words. They need to be told they are loved in the literal words “I love you” and compliments mean the world to them. In this same way, insults will destroy them.
- Acts of service — this person feels love by things getting done. The best way to show love to this person is by doing something for them, such as taking out the trash or getting them a glass of water. If they ask you to do something and you don’t do it, it hurts them more than a punch in the gut.
- Gifts — this person feels love through presents. They will 100% expect material items for holidays and birthdays, and not just because society says we should come to expect it. While most people do love stuff, this person may literally cry if you’re close and give them a gift card for their birthday. Putting little effort into a gift to them means that there is little effort put into the relationship.
- Quality time — this person feels love through time spent together, especially one-on-one. It doesn’t matter if this time is spent talking, going to a convention, or just lying near each other in a field of flowers. Ghosting them is the best way to ruin your relationship quickly.
- Physical touch — this person feels love through physical acts. This doesn’t necessarily mean sex or any of the things leading up to it. This person loves hugs and hand holding, even high fives can make them feel special. The worst things that someone can do to this person is manipulate their desire for physical contact or go beyond the boundaries that this person has.
With all of that being said, someone can experience all of these, but there are always 1–2 primary ones that they feel the hardest. People also have a tendency to show love through their own love language, even if it’s not the language of the person they’re “speaking” to (literally or metaphorically). Not everyone speaks the same language. I once saw a sermon by Pastor Bert Crabbe who essentially said that love language is much like other languages. In his example, he spoke Italian. Now, if he says “I love you” to someone in Italian, but they only speak Chinese, even though the sentiment is there, it will most likely get lost in translation.
~You can take the quiz here if you’re interested in finding out yours~
For myself, it doesn’t matter if it’s platonic or romantic — my love language is physical touch. Honestly, I believe it’s the most difficult love language to have, particularly when the vast majority of your loved ones live outside of your hugging zone. It’s also really difficult to hide if you have issues with someone. If you try to touch me and my shoulders tense up… that’s not a good sign. In addition, it has kind of weird implications since… it’s physical touch.
A lot of people who will read this already know this part of my story, but last October and November were not a good time for me. I didn’t have many friends in NYC, and the only people I was really comfortable with at the time were in other states. Sure, I could call them when I was feeling down, but my primary isn’t words of affirmation (although it is #2 so calling did help a bit).
It can also be challenging because you never want to push people’s boundaries. Some people are okay with constant hugs, someone putting their arm around them, etc. and some people aren’t. Physical touch is the lowest ranking love language for my best friend when it comes to platonic relationships, which is a real bummer for me. When I had that dark period of my life, all I wanted to do was hug him. He’s really, really tall so his hugs make me feel safe (in the same way that a child feels safe when within the embrace of a parent). When we reunited for the first time after that, all I wanted to do was hug him for a disturbingly long length of time to make up for all of the times I wanted a hug but was unable to receive one. He wasn’t in the mood for a hug that night (probably because we were in public and about to see a movie) and I was really hurt.
In the moment, someone not reciprocating your love language can really sting, and might even be taken as a rejection of your love.
THIS IS NOT CORRECT.
Of course in a perfect world everyone would show love in the same way and it would be interpreted with that intention by all. While in that moment him saying “I don’t want a long hug right now” almost felt like him saying “I am rejecting your love,” a more accurate translation would be: “I don’t want to show you love in that particular way, but I’m still showing you that I love you because we’re literally together.”
The fact that his very first day back he wanted to see me shows that he loves me through a different language: quality time. While it’s not my ideal way of being shown affection, it’s important to note the realities of feelings vs. facts. Also, quality time is his primary, which is further evidence that people tend to show love in the way that they like to be shown.
Yesterday, I had a really rough day. I was really upset. I reached out to my best friend and one of my other closest friends and asked them to come over. I was expecting one or the other, but instead I was flooded with love because they both came, despite knowing how upset I was and that this would not be the most fun hang out of all time. My best friend arrived first. I’m not sure if he was in the mood to show physical affection or if he just knew how much I needed it, but he let me hug him for about five minutes straight and just cry into his shirt until my other friend got there. He also let me be the one to let go. I don’t think he will ever be in the mood to have a hug that lasts that long just to have a hug that lasts that long, so it was most likely more of an act of selflessness than anything. We’ve discussed love languages before, so he knows exactly what is is that I want to hear or see or feel or receive. He knows what his own boundaries are, and won’t push them on a regular basis to make me feel cared for. This isn’t because he’s a bad person or anything like that, it’s because he knows when I need this attention vs. when I want it.
With all of that being said, it’s really important to recognize how people want to be loved, whether it be a romantic partner, a family member, or a friend. Collectively, we all need to be more aware of what makes other people feel cared for rather than only considering what makes us feel that way.
